“ A year is such an odd packet of time. It seems so ordered: a dozen months, a handful of seasons. Deceptively even. Make no mistake, it will go awry every which way. Balance? Impossible. Control? Not worth mentioning the word. Some days cling and others run, many shifting just enough to incommode but give no great variety. And then out of the pedestrian blue comes an explosion which reduces all plans to smithereens. The reward for making it through? Getting to do it again.”
Beth Brower, The Unselected Journals of Emma M. Lion: Vol. 7
This post could be considered a wee bit overdue. I put it in my journal/calendar on the notes page with very large text saying, “ NOEL, DO THIS:” write out my story, post it SOMEWHERE, and move forward. I’d wanted to do so months ago around my birthday, but, in giving myself a smattering of the grace that I offer so freely to others, I altered the deadline to “Before the end of 2025.” That meant committing the words to “paper” would happen around Christmas.
Welp, about two weeks into December, I woke up to a text message from my Wendy-bird, telling me of this series of books from which my introductory pull-quote came. There are, as of now, eight books in this series. I decided to give a read* to the first short volume, which is less than 4 hours and beautifully narrated. As of now I am fully caught up, subscribed to the author’s substack, and chomp at the metaphorical bits for the release of Volume 9, this year sometime? (Allegedly!)
*A LISTEN. (I love audiobooks.)
OK THEN, writing things. By the end of the year. :Looks at clock: Oh, well. We shall just ignore the Gregorian calendar, and I will thus scratch out a few lines to send them through the wall or under your door.
So, (without further setup!) let me tell y’all about going to the doctor for my persistent COUGH! 😀
Seriously.
DESPITE having quit smoking some years ago (out of spite), testing negative for Flu/Covid/Etc from home tests as well as AT several trips to Urgent Care, taking suppressants and expectorants and other meds for viral and allergy-caused issues, nothing seemed to work. (Ok, ONE thing worked–a ubiquitous lozenge with some sort of honey or menthol flavor. I started buying and bringing my own to work so as not to completely use up the shared-supplies.)
This cough had not given ground in MONTHS, I was close to trying poultices and beetle plasters, and I had not seen a regular GP in decades; I read reviews and subreddit comments. I made an appointment.
The appointment was not just for the cough. Primarily? Yes. But there are SO MANY THINGS that I’d just let go based on, “Well, these haven’t put me in the hospital yet! I can still get up and move around and go to work and so on.” I’ll save you my soapbox rants about the healthcare INDUSTRY and insurance. Y’all know. I went in with a list of things to discuss and I also brought Jim in with me to this intake appointment so he could help listen and “record the minutes” for me, too.
“Hi, Doc! I’m here for a cough. BUT ALSO!:
*My hearing seems to not be that great?
*I have so little energy despite resting and sleeping 7-9 hours a night.
*I can remember the EXACT art on the walls of each exam room in my Pediatric Allergists’ office, but I can be holding something while looking around frantically for it.
*I know monologues that I learned for shows I did in college, and yet sometimes I still forget what I am saying halfway through a sentence.
*I have a series of routines that help me complete tasks, but when I am interrupted, I am thrown out of balance. The other morning, whilst walking from one room to another getting ready for my day, my husband tried to stop me to give me a kiss and a hug and I snapped at him.
*And MUCH MUCH MORE! I know you can’t help me with ALL of these, but this is the Nexus right?”
Bless this woman. Despite inundating her with information, she scheduled a ton of things for me and several of them were taken care of that very day:
BLOODWORK! (Cholesterol is not-great, and BP also not great, but nothing else really?)
AUDIOLOGIST! (Only a SLIGHT loss on my right side since that was and still IS my headset ear? Also: TINNITUS!)
SUGGESTION TO ACTUALLY GET THE IUD! My lady-doctor recommended this eons ago, so when in this appointment, I am hearing someone else say, “yes, this is a good idea and will likely help your 40-something-lady-issues,” I go ahead and make THAT appointment, too.
As to the remaining things, other appointments were made. You know the ones. The ones that set new patient intake months out because they have to with demand. The ones that scare you have to death in case they aren’t a good fit. The ones I went to on January 2nd and February 12th this year, respectively. And then a few more bits of testing scheduled.
TESTS!:
Working Memory Evaluation. Brown’s Assessment of Executive Function.
And then, back. Back to the Nexus point, aka GP/PCP aka the doctor who LISTENED to me and HEARD me and sent me to people that did the same.
What I do NOT have, as diagnosed and CONSTANTLY REconfirmed since 1999:
Bipolar II Disorder. NOPE, wrong pages of the DSM-5, friends! Turn to the following pages:
ADHD-Combined Type
OCD (Apparently not everyone has to take at least three baths and or showers a day?)
MEDICINE! Not heavy anti-psychotics. No longer do I have to take the tranquilizer (Trazodone 250MG!!) strong enough to knock out a horse. Not a visit with a “Ms Pam” every single day to keep the anxiety from running away with my ability to self-regulate. (Though Clonaza-PAM and Loraza-PAM are very helpful ladies in an occasional spot of, “uh-oh.”) So, instead, as of the first part of MAY 2025:
Vyvase. Fluoxetine. Ramelteon. (Speak, friend, and enter!)
Suddenly, my brain and my body are moving at the same speed. THIS helped even with my hearing, because oops-all-auditory-delay-issues? Suddenly, there are not a thousand channels overlapping in my mind, and it is oh so very quiet. Mostly. There are still at least TEN channels on a good day, but I can control which channels to isolate and which to mute. (Think George Martin and not Phil Spector.)
I have culled and cleaned my living spaces, desk, and closets. I’ve stayed with AND maintained a schedule for riding my bike and doing pilates. My cholesterol and blood pressure are SO MUCH BETTER :). I don’t need to sleep 8 or 9 hours to feel well-rested.
And wait, there is MORE!
THERAPY! I have the most amazingly nerdy, kind therapist who loves music, film, and books like I do. He has PEZ dispensers and action figures on his office shelves next to his copy of the aforementioned DSM-5. He helps me to unravel things. He shows me that I pull myself up above the clouds of emotional dysregulation, rejection sensitivity, and hypervigilance. He helps me to be mindful and present, but still gives me the space to fall apart and be angry and sad when I need to let it out. And I did need space because it is so very quiet in my mind now. Quiet in the way that empty rooms echo once a lot of things have been removed. I have to fight off being angry and upset about what time I’ve “lost” to misdiagnosis.
I try so hard not to, but I think about all of the times where what they called “rapid cycling” were actually hyperfocus and burnout, the anxiety just the added seasoning in the melange of my particular flavor of “Neurospicy.” I’ve learned that room may be given to the feelings and pressure-release, but that I cannot go back to then. I have time NOW.
Now, where I’ve found planners with no dates in them, so that I may write out however far in advance or “just now” near when I need it. Where I’ve learned that SEEING what I have helps me not to forget that it’s there. That OH, CLEAR CONTAINERS ARE GREAT, ACTUALLY, so you don’t over or under buy things. I’ve put my earrings and necklaces up on my wall.
Also, and my FAVOURITE, I’ve arranged my desk in such a way that things are still THERE, but I know exactly what is there? I love my desk, which was my father’s desk, which was gifted to him years ago, from a teacher’s classroom? It’s over a century old, and if you look closely, you can see where I did my homework on it a thousand years ago in elementary school. Where Roy C did all of his studies for SMU and wrote who knows how many sermons.
These things that I’ve finally been working on and facing aren’t things that will eventually just stop or go away, no matter how much medicine I take or sessions of therapy I can attend. There’s no fixing it all the way. I will always be practicing. That’s ok, though. I finally have the right instruction manual? No. TEXT BOOK. And I am finally in the CORRECT class! The solutions change from moment to moment and person to person, but I’ve found so many just like myself, on subreddits like ADHDWomen. SO MANY OF US were misdiagnosed and FINALLY seen!
“YES! I do that, too!”
“Have you tried this?”
“May I scream into the void here for a bit?”
Yes. Yes, we may.
I know what and how I need to function well. I know more of what to ask for and how to better ask for accommodation. I have so much more to tell anyone who would like to hear and has an ear to listen, and room for you to sit and time for you to talk to me, if you want to.
Everything rolled over again at midnight last Thursday, allegedly. It’s wonderful if you want to look at it like a fresh sheet of paper. It’s fine, too, if you are just happy to have one more day or hour or moment here, at this very specific time. Maybe you literally take umbrage with any decisions made at the First Council of Nicaea and don’t acknowledge leap-days.
So how about this space, here in my blog, is just HERE. I am so very fortunate that I finally made it to HERE. Where you are reading these words. Thank you, my friend. Yes, you. And you, too. I am even more fortunate that I have all of you in my life.
Apologies if you haven’t heard from me in a while; I’ve finally had the ability to concentrate on doing things like buying frames and putting up art that I’ve had sitting around for a decade. More soon, and more frequently, I promise! Or rather, I promise to try.
DO Y’ALL KNOW HOW AMAZING IT FEELS TO TAKE YOUR MORNING MEDICINE, HAVE IT KICK IN, AND PUT TOGETHER IKEA-FURNITURE??? AND DO IT WELL? Bring over your buildy-furniture. I’ll gladly help you with it! 🙂
Until next time. Whenever that falls on the Julian calendar, maybe. Sod off, Pope Gregory XIII!,
N
PS: Oh, I never told you about the solution to the cough, did I? Sinus meds at night and an RX Nose Spray. She IS a GP after all, and that one only took 24 hours to set right 😉